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Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
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I'm a classic example of all humorists — only funny when I'm working
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Great Britain and the United States are nations separated by a common language.
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Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
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A comedian does funny things. A good comedian does things funny.
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My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil
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I just thought of something funny...your mother
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Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious
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One has fear in front of a goat, in back of a mule, and on every side of a fool
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Jazz is not dead, it just smells funny
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I wear the pants in this house. My wife just tells me which pair to wear
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Fat Girls are like Mopeds: fun to ride, but you don't want your friends to catch you
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If guys had their period, they'd probably brag about the size of our tampons
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Haggis is a self cleaning meal. Leave it for a while and it will get up and walk away
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I love deadlines, especially the whooshing sound they make as they go by
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Behind every successful woman, is a man who is surprised
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An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire
his work
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Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss
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Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
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Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question
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Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
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I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants
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Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss
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Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
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An unfortunate person is one tries to fart but shits instead
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All racists who are prepared to die for their country, why not now?
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I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants
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What do an
Ice bear have after swimming? Snowballs!
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As long as my boss pretends that I'm earning much, I'm pretending that I work hard
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We both know I'm the best, that's why you never tell me
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I know that you know that I know that you think I'm the best, that's why you never tell me
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Never wish on 1 star more than 1nce cause your luck ALWAYS runs out!
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If electricity
comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
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Make love not war. Condoms are cheaper than guns
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Everybody has the right to be stupid but your breaking the rules!
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Sure, there's no "I" in team, but there is an "M" and an "E"
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There are three types of economists. Those who can count, and those who can't
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If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
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If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
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I refuse to join any club that would have me for a member
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I'm not a follower... I'm a leader with the same idea
